


Chasing an arrow

by mybluebucketofsnow



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Baz is into August Wellbelove, Blow Jobs, Falling for a good guy, Fencing, Getting over toxic relationship, Love Triangles, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Sex in the Changing Room, Simon Snow is a Nerd, Toxic Relationship, Watching others make out, bathroom makeout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-01-23 03:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21313303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybluebucketofsnow/pseuds/mybluebucketofsnow
Summary: A high school AU, where Baz is in love with August Wellbelove. Simon Snow is an annoying nerd who it seating near him on Algebra classes. Baz suspects that Snow has a huge crush on him, but then he is too busy trying to prove to August that he is worth something more than just a hookup under the stairs.Please see warnings and tags applied.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 7
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you [@Diddi25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diddi25/pseuds/Diddi25) for being an amazing Beta <3

I am sure that me and August are meant to be together. We both have these wicked eyes, mine with a little bit of carefully applied eyeliner (brown of course, because I don’t want to overdo) and his cruel blue.

I wait for him at our secret place under the stairs. I try to look cool, but I keep on tugging on my sleeves. I think the same thing over and over again.

_ What if he wouldn’t come. _

What if today is the day when he finally loses his interest in this thing that we’ve been doing. 

This thing that is too vague to call relationships, but too frequent to call it nothing at all.

The truth is that I don’t care what it’s called as long as it’s going. As long as I know that we are the same. Same rotten, same ugly. 

I bite my lower lip. I am desperate. I am excited.

When August finally shows up, he doesn’t say much. He never does. He slams me into the wall instead and covers my mouth with his. His hand slides behind my neck while I taste his mouth. 

The universal truth is that August Wellbelove is the best fucking kisser I know. 

His mouth is demanding and heavy, and what I really want to do is put my hands into his blond fine hair, but I know better. I am gridding myself all over him instead until he pins my hands above my head and breaks the kiss. He breathes hard and I can see his eyes getting blurry.

He grinds his thigh over me and I take a sharp breath in.

“Did you miss me?” I manage to say. It is supposed to sound mocking but instead sounds desperate. He looks away.

“Fuck off.” 

He kisses my neck and grinds harder. I hate myself when I moan.

His face is close to mine and he faintly smells like perfume and cigarettes. “Do it.” He says.

And I go on my knees.

This has been going for the last few weeks. From the Halloween party when August got drunk enough to finally fuck me in one of the bathrooms. After that, we are still in this grey zone where I am good enough to give occasional blowjob under the staircases, but not good enough to talk to me in front of everybody else.

But I don’t mind. Deep down I know we are the same. And his indifference is just another proof that he is dead inside the same way as I am.

“Suck harder.” He says and I do.

When it’s all over I am still painfully hard and on my knees while he zips himself up.

“Next time here tomorrow?” I ask.

He smirks and I smirk back, but mine is spoiled by hope. He grabs me by the hair and jerks my head up.

“Don’t get used to it.” He says.

I swallow. I got used to this long before it started. I don’t say it out loud. 

“I know you’ll miss me,” I mutter instead.

August smiles at me. This smile is my favourite. It’s a bit evil and nasty.

He takes my chin in his hand. “If you wanna give regular blowjobs under the stairs.“ He says. “Just find yourself a regular boyfriend. I don’t mind.”

He turns around and leaves. As always I don’t feel any hope. The hope will come later, in a few hours it will be much easier to make myself believe that it still means anything. 

After that I slowly stand up, leaning on the wall with my hand. Deep down I know that hope is always a mistake.

It’s hard to focus on Algebra when I am back to class. The world seems sharp and real, as I dwell on excitement and humiliation.

Even worse, I’ve already sent August a message and it definitely didn’t help to raise up my self-esteem.

“I won’t wait for you tomorrow.” It says.

I know it’s a lie. I am pathetic.

I keep on staring at my phone and flashing the screen time to time

The room is noisy and I almost wish for a lesson to start already. I am desperate for _ any _ kind of distraction.

I look around. The desk is long enough to fit a row people, but currently, there are only three of us. Me, Penelope Bunce And Simon Snow. Of course, it’s Simon Snow. It’s one of the world's biggest mysteries how he always ends up sitting next to me. Or how I always _ notice _ that he ends up sitting next to me.

Snow is tensed and unblinking. He is always that way when he is around me.

Penelope Bunce whispers something in his ear, giggled and pushes him with her elbow. His cheeks are slowly turning pink. When I see he is turning my direction, I quickly look away. 

After all, I am doing us a favour by avoiding the unnecessary eye contact that we will both regret later.

I don’t know when was the exact moment when I realized that Simon bloody Snow has a huge crush on me, but at this point, it’s pretty obvious.

Honestly, I feel sorry for the bloke. Maybe I should be happy that someone as smart and nice as Simon Snow falling head over heels for me. Instead, it’s annoying and awkward and I really wish he could hide it better.

Like I wish he would stop staring at me right now. As if he wants to start a conversation but just doesn’t know how.

The irony is that three years ago I was the one to like _ him_. But let’s be honest, back then he was the only other gay boy and I was desperate enough to like almost _ anybody_. Now I find him mostly boring. In that healthy positive way that all nice people are.

Penelope Bunce whispers something in his ear. “Come on, just ask him.” I hear her saying. 

I keep on staring at my phone. In fact, I do my best to pretend I never even looked his way.

Snow clears his throat and the sound is very loud and long.

And I really don’t want to know what it is about.

“Baz?” He half says half asks. 

I keep a long pause to make it clear how inappropriate this whole moment is. Then I look up.

“Yeah?” I say. I am proud that my voice is sounding annoyed with so little effort from my side.

Snow blinks a few times. He is probably astonished by the mere fact that we are talking.

And guess what, he is breathing through his mouth.

“Baz,” He starts again, “How… how are you?”

“I used to be just fine, thank you.” I am implying of course that I used to be just fine _ before _ this whole ridiculous conversation happened.

But I am lying. In reality, I am far from fine, not before, not now. In fact, I am not sure I ever was fine in my entire life. Though it’s not something Snow should know. I prefer to stay as a handsome invincible hero in his eyes, thank you very much.

I don’t ask anything back, not because I am rude, but because I don’t want to encourage him any further. As I said, I am doing us both a favour after all.

“Right…” Snow mumbles and turns back to his textbook. He looks defeated. I feel immediate relief.

But then Bunce pokes him with her elbow again and he turns back to me.

This time he looks more determined and I don’t even have a chance to freeze him with my ignorance before he says, “Are you… Are you busy tonight?”

I almost growl. I knew it would happen. I simply _ knew_. 

“Are you asking me out?” I say to Snow, but he just gasps.

“Is he asking me out?” I turn further to the side and ask Bunce. Snow turns to her as well and nods.

“I guess he is.” She says.

I can’t believe this is happening. A few minutes ago I was dwelling in my perfect world, remembering in all details what August mouth is capable of and now I need to participate in this sad charade. 

I don’t even know him that well. Our school is crazy with fencing and he is one of those sports kids. I used to come to the practices just to see him fencing. He was so good, he is still probably good, but I just don’t care anymore. 

And yes, somebody somewhere might find his freckles and glasses cute, but for me, he is just this painfully awkward kid, who blushes every time our eyes meet. And yet he likes me well enough to put us both through this utter embarrassing situation.

“We can go to the cinema.” Snow squeezes out.

I roll my eyes. Internally. Externally I make an effort not to do so.

“I don’t go on dates,” I say.

That part is true. I don’t. Well, I don’t need to. I know enough people who want to get in my pants. Without a sad interlude of asking each other out.

Everyone knows that is much easier than that. I am much easier. 

I wonder if he knows.

“It shouldn't necessarily be a date.” Snow says quickly. “We can just hang out. Talk. Eat popcorn.”

“Why?” I say. The question sounds weird. _ I _sound weird.

“Because popcorn is great.” Snow immediately catches up. “And I want to... I want to get to know you better.”

I shake my head. “Popcorn is gross. And no, believe me, you don’t.”

My phone vibrates. Finally. 

The message from August. One word. “Whatever.”

I feel myself getting destroyed inside.

I wonder if Snow will still ask me out if he knew about the stairs. If he knew about August. If he knew about _ anything_.

“Look.” He says. “We can just go as friends, it doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Maybe it doesn’t have to. But with him it _ will_.

I flush the screen of my phone off.

As the silence stretches, Snow turns away. He looks fairly devastated.

It feels like I just broke the most precious thing that he owns, or stole Christmas. Or whatever. After all, I am not a hero in this story, I am a villain and this is what villains do.

“Fine,” I say. Villains give people hope.

And then they take it away.

When Snow looks at me again I push my hand through my hair and give him a lazy smile. “Let’s go on a date.”


	2. Chapter 2

I see Snow from afar. He stands a little bit aside from the main crowd. Snow wears this ridiculous bright yellow bomber, one I’ve never seen before. Did he try to dress up? I hate that thing immediately.

I can say that he is nervous by the way he checks his phone all the time. Finally, he looks up and after he spots me, his face lights up with a relieved smile.

I wonder if I look just as stupid when I wait for August to show up.

“Hey!” Snow says and I at least appreciate that he is not attempting to go for a sweaty handshake or god forbid a hug. Instead, he settles on an awkward hand wave, that immediately follows with him nervously adjusting the frame of his glasses. 

He looks so uncool.

I nod and check my watch. I am right on time, not too late to be openly rude but late enough to avoid some long meaningful interaction before the film.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t come.” Snow blurts out and I raise my eyebrow. I watch as colour climbs up over his cheekbones. This is quite cute, but I guess I am immune to nice boys flushing in front of me. I think about August’s grin instead.

Fuck, I am missing him like crazy. I didn’t text him since his “whatever” message, but I guess I am not that strong in the end. I wonder what he would say if he knew I am on a date with Simon Snow. He would probably laugh his ass off.

“I already bought us tickets.” Snow says. “The movie you picked looks cool.”

He is trying so hard to be a nice guy, it makes me want to throw up.

I am fairly certain if Snow was the one to choose the movie we would end up going to something with too many explosions and a poorly written plot. Or even worse a _ Marvel _ movie (he has a whole set of sweatshirts with comic characters and I can put two and two together).

In fact, he is wearing one right now. It’s a red one with Spiderman. It leaves me wondering what he was thinking while picking up this yellow and red combination. 

I push my hands deeper in front pockets of my jeans, carefully looking around to check if there is anybody familiar in the crowd. Yes, I don’t want people from school to see us together. But don’t blame me for this, blame Snow’s ugly sweatshirt. Who wears something like this to the screening of an indie movie with dialogues that actually make sense?

“Wow, this theatre looks so cool,” Snow says when we enter the hallway. “Do you come here often?”

I shrug.

“Not really,” I say, “Not anymore.”

I used to come here before. _ We _ used to come here with my Mum. Escape reality, spent time together. Back then when she still _ had _ time.

“This place is amazing.” Snow says, glowing at the high ceiling. “I’ve never been here before.”

Of course, he hasn’t. This is an old theatre with beautiful facade and old film posters insides. Not just your regular IMAX inside the mall, where uncultured people like Snow come to eat popcorn.

“The movie starts in five,” I say dryly, checking my watch.

“Enough time to buy popcorn!” Snow chips in predictably.

His cheerfulness really gets on my nerves.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but they don’t sell popcorn here,” I say grumpily.

“I bet they do! I will go take a look.” He disappears into the crowd and I lean over the wall. I pull out my phone and quickly type before I change my mind.

_ “On a date with Simon Snow. Taking your advice about a boyfriend seriously.” _Next moment the message is on its way to August.

The reply comes back fast. _ “The fencing guy? Hahaha didn’t know that you are that desperate.” _

I feel my heart beating like crazy. He replied. I carefully look around to see if Snow is back. Then I type: _ “Why? He is cute.” _

Technically it’s not a lie. I do think he is cute. Or I used to think so before. Now I mostly don’t care.

The bubble of the typing pops up and then the message appears: _ “Did you already hook up?” _

I pause breathing. Does it mean that he wants me to? Or does it mean the other way around?

I close my eyes and breath in.

“Hey, I didn’t know which one you like, salty or sweet, so I got us both, just in case.” Snow says from behind my shoulder. I turn around and see him standing with two huge buckets of popcorn. He gives me a sheepish smile and I am as far from wanting to hook up with him as I might ever be.

I quickly flush off the screen of my phone.

“I don’t eat popcorn,” I say.

“That’s why I bought some m&ms as well!”

He turns around to show me a package of candies in the back pocket of his jeans. 

Is he trying to tease me?

I hold a dramatic pause trying not to stare too hard. Snow turns back to me with a worried face.

“Or if you want I can go and buy you something else.” He says.

“What makes you think that you need to buy me things?” I say drily.

“Isn’t that what people do on a date?”

I stay speechless for a moment. I guess I forgot that we are doing this _ for real_. Or at least that Snow thinks we are.

“You don’t need to try so hard with me,” I say. (Because nobody ever did. And I don’t care.)

It doesn’t come out right though. 

Snow is frowning now.

I probably shouldn't have said that out loud. What I should do instead, is take August’s advice and enjoy the full boyfriend-experience package.

As we go toward the cinema hall entrance I let Snow walk in front of me and take out my phone.

_ “Not yet, but I am planning to.” _ I type and press “Send”.

When Snow turns around he still has this concerned look on his face. He takes a few steps towards me.

“Hey,” He says. “About what you said before. I understand what you mean. You don’t need to try so hard with me either.”

He smiles at me and I can’t stop staring at his eyes. They are of that watering blue, that makes you feel like it’s early morning with a summer rain outside. What a stupid colour.

I sigh.

“Give me one of those.” I take one of the popcorn buckets from him and Snow immediately uses his free hand to adjust his frames.

I think I am starting to get used to him doing that.

We step into the darkness and while I follow Snow to our seats the phone vibrates in my pocket.

_ “Give me all the glorious details later.” _The message says.

Is he joking?

When we sit down I feel that my hand holding my phone is shaking. 

“Are you ok?” Snow asks. 

Luckily I don’t have to answer because the movie starts. The blue shadow crawls over his face and I desperately wonder what am I doing here. Is it a date? Is it my desperate attempt to stay a hero? (A villain really, but in this case, it doesn’t matter.) Or is this just an excuse to have a hook up later?

“You are looking nice tonight,” I whisper in his ear. “I like your sweater.”

Lying is easy. After all, I did it a million times before. Pretending is easy. I did it a million times before as well.

I see him blushing in the dim light of a cinema screen.

Is it how things like that meant to happen?

I wish I knew it better myself. It took me a few months of desperate stalking to get August to fuck me and then a few more to get to where we are now. Which is basically nowhere.

I wonder if I pull out my phone how bright it would be.

Snow pulls closer to me again. “Thank you. You look nice too .” He says and I feel his breath on my ear.

I put a hand on his knee. He tenses but doesn’t move away.

“Is it ok?” I ask.

He nods. 

I start to make small circles with my index finger over his knee. We are both staring at the screen, but I can feel the warmth of his body spreading under my touch.

Eventually, he puts his hand over mine, and I stop. (Does he want me to stop?) 

I think he would simply push my hand away, but he doesn’t. We stay like that for some time, his knee, my hand and his hand atop.

On the screen meanwhile one character says something to another, but I already lost track of what is happening.

“Who is this person?” Snow asks. “The one you keep texting with.”

I bend closer and lightly brush my lips under his ear. 

“Who cares,” I say. And then. “Do you want to get out of here?”

Snow looks back at me. His eyes are big, I see pictures from the screen reflecting in them.

Then he stands up. I stand up as well. He doesn’t move and I wonder if he is still hesitating.

I grab him by the wrist and pull him to the exit from the dark cinema hall. 

Outside it’s painfully bright and almost empty. Snow blinks a few times. He looks at my hand holding his wrist. I let go.

“Follow me,” I say and start walking.

“Where are we going?” 

God, where does he _ think _ we are going?

“To the bathroom,” I say shortly.

“_Oh _. Right. Of course.”

I turn around. “Look, if you want, we can just go back.”

He shakes his head and gives me a tensed smile. “Couldn't follow the movie anyway.” He says.

We enter and I stop before the row of empty stalls.

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Isn’t that what people on a date do?” I repeat his line from earlier tonight.

Then I go to the nearest stall, leaving the door behind me open. After all, Snow needs to start learning how to make his own mistakes.

When he walks in, I can see his face very clear under the bright light. He has three moles on his left cheekbone. There were times when I dreamt to kiss them away.

I lock the door. Then I turn around and put my hands on his hips. I push him against the wall.

It’s different from August. Snow doesn’t know what to do and for a moment I am afraid that I don’t know what to do either.

I pull a hand through his hair and tug his head to the side. He has moles on his neck too. He has moles everywhere.

August would push me away, but Snow just pulls me closer with his hands on my waist. 

I press my mouth to his neck and lick very lightly where his moles are. Did I dream of doing that before as well? I let my hand move under his sweatshirt. I hear him gasping for air.

Next, I slide my fingers over the edge of his jeans.

“Are you hard already?” I whisper in his ear and feel how he clenches his jaw. “I bet you are.”

He tries to untuck my shirt as well, but I have a belt on and he ends up fumbling with it for too long.

“Snow,” I say. “Stop.”

“Why?” He slightly brushes his hand over the front of my pants. “Aren’t you hard too?”

I am quite surprised by his bold move. I feel my heart beating faster.

I take his wrists and push his hands above his head.

“This is not how good boys are supposed to behave.“ I say.

I look at his mouth. I wonder if I should kiss him. I push my knee between his legs instead. Next moment I grind on his thigh. There is no resistance at first, but then he pushes himself against me and grinds back. It’s my turn to gasp for air.

It feels good. _So_ _good_. 

All of my thoughts disappear and there are only us, our breathing and our bodies tangled together.

His movements are following mine and I couldn’t even guess that he would be good at this, that _ I _ would be good at this.

The moment I lose it completely the familiar wave of excitement flashes over my body. I’ve been at this point before, with August, with others and I am well aware of what follows next.

I squeeze his wrists a bit harder. “I will go down on you,” I say.

“Wait.” His voice sounds panicked. He makes an awkward move and I let go of his hands.

“Snow,” I say. “It will be fine. Nobody complained before.”

“It’s not that…” He starts and his face flushes. And I suddenly realize. This is Simon fucking Snow. The star of our school fencing team. The nerd with ten Marvel sweatshirts. 

“You’ve never done this before,” I say distantly. It’s not a question. It’s a statement.

Snow closes his eyes. “No. Not really. Have you?”

I take a step back. I can’t believe that after all of my hard work I end up in _ that _ kind of a situation.

“Yes, Snow. I have fucking done this _ before_.” I say. Doesn’t he know _ anything_?

“Oh cool.” Snow says quickly. “But it’s not that. I’d rather go down on you instead. If it’s ok. If you want me to.”

Can he stop trying so damn hard all the time? This is just getting tiresome.

I take another step back and lean on the opposite wall.

“Right,” I say. I am not really in the mood for anything anymore. “You’re probably not ready for that one either.”

“You don't know that.” He says. “You don’t know _ me_.”

“I know you quite well,” I say. “Chill. Get out of here first and I will follow.”

He shakes his head, but I already have the door opened.

He looks outside and then back at me.

“It never was a real date, was it?” He says almost blankly.

I stay in silence.

He nods. “That’s what I thought.”

He closes the door behind him and I hear his footsteps moving further and further away from me until I hear nothing at all. I lean against the wall.

What a fucking fiasco my life is.

I pull out my phone and type a message. _ “Just made out with Simon Snow in the bathroom stall.” _

I stare at the floor while waiting for August to reply.

_ “Was he any good?” _

I think about Snow. About that one moment when I forgot myself well enough not to care about who he is, or who I am.

_ “He is nothing special.” _ I look at the message and delete it almost right away.

_ “Fuck off.” _ I type instead.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you @Diddi25 for your support and being an amazing Beta <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry, this chapter is kinda explicit and angsty. Especially in the last scene. I promise it will start getting better soon!

I pass by the gym on my way to lunch. Our school is crazy about fencing, so it’s a well-known fact that after the lessons it is used for fencing practices. I linger near the door wondering if I should come in and check on Snow. I haven’t seen him for the last few days, not since that sad excuse for a date that we had. Those memories alone are enough to make me avoid him forever, but I make an effort over myself and carefully sneak in.

Inside, I am immediately surrounded with loud sounds: the clinking of metal, heavy movements and Coach shouting right above my head. I quietly pass along the wall and seat on my favourite bench, second row. The view here is perfect and I can see everyone. Fencers are wearing those ridiculous white costumes and masks, but it’s almost embarrassing how quickly I recognize Snow amongst all of them.

I squeeze my eyes shut, having a sudden flashback to how things were back _ then_.

Back when I used to follow Snow to every training, sitting on this very bench, obsessing over him well enough to learn by heart how his every movement looks like. I was full of teenage lust and believed that if I would be persistent enough I might find a perfect moment to wave my hand, catch his glance and after that be brave enough to finally ask him out.

Of course, that never happened and now I am here for a completely different reason.

When Snow takes his mask off I wave at him feeling nothing at all. The only thing I feel is a tiny annoyance when Snow sees me and something flickers behind his eye. He gives me a nod. It’s a restrained one. He is frowning too.

I hate this tension. There is still a hint, a tiny possibility that stays between us as if something _ might _ happen. I know Snow well enough to believe that this weird connection might turn into hope. And hope is my worst enemy, I want there to be _ nothing _ between us.

I see Snow saying a few words to some guy he was fencing with. They smile at one another and share a hug. For a moment I feel thick. They are like happy puppies running around, playing games. They are like people from different kind of a universe, where nothing bad ever happens.

My throat feels tight.

As Snow starts walking in my direction, his epee still in hand, the smile disappears from his lips. If we were inside some historical drama I would say he is coming to fight me to the ground.

“Hey,” Snow says and his voice doesn’t sound warm. “What do you want?”

I smirk in that indifferent way that I know I can pull off with ease.

“To clear up a few things between us.”

“What is there to clear up?” He asks.

I make a pause. He stands above me, his face dark as a cloud.

_“Don’t look at me like that,”_ I want to scream, _“I am_ _not worse it.”_

Instead, I wonder if I can be more of a disappointment that I already am. I wonder why despite everything he still likes me (does he still like me?).

“Just a reminder,” I say. “You and me. We are _ not _ a thing.”

Snow tenses. “I know.” He says. “It was pretty clear back then, I mean after…” He stumbles and his cheeks flush. “After everything that happened.”

“Nothing happened,” I say quickly.

“Nothing happened” is a tag I put in my head on that whole evening. And in some sad way that is an absolute truth.

He looks at me, his arms crossed over his chest, while the weird pause is stretching between us.

“Why weren’t you at Algebra today?” I ask abruptly. (And yes, I think it’s pretty normal to notice when your annoying almost-date never shows up for the only lesson you share together.)

Snow blinks with surprise. (Did he think I wouldn’t notice?) “I was at practice. It’s pretty intense now. We have a tournament coming up.”

“Tournament,” I repeat. (It’s not like I really care.) “Of course.”

He always goes to tournaments. He is the best fencer in our school after all.

“For how long?”

He frowns. “For how long, what?”

“For how long are you going?”

“Couple of weeks.” He says. “Next month.”

I don’t know why I asked. I don’t have the slightest idea. “Good luck.” I squeeze out.

Snow uncrosses his arms and looks around uncomfortably. The guy from before waves at us, he is holding Snow’s mask in his hand. Snow waves back. They look at one another as if they are connected with an invisible string, that no one else can see.

I clear my throat to remind Snow that I am still here.

“Who is that?” I ask. (My voice sounds irritated. I hate that.)

“That’s Shepard.” Snow answers easily. “My new fencing partner. He just transferred here from the USA.”

_ Fencing partner_, I think. _ What the hell? _

Snow awkwardly shifts from one foot to another. The epee is still hanging in his hand.

“It looks like your _ fencing partner _ is waiting for you,” I say coldly.

Snow hesitates. “Sorry,” He says. “I need to go back. We are not allowed to take a break yet.”

His voice sounds unsure. Almost like he wants me to stop him. Like he thinks I might come up with an excuse not to let him go.

“In that case,” I say and make a dismissive gesture with my hand. “I won’t keep you any longer.”

Snow lowers his head, his shoulders sagged. “See you later,” he says. 

I don’t bother to answer. There is no point in fake politeness, he should know at this point how I am after all. He goes back and I sit there, alone for a while. I wonder is this how ending things usually feels like?

I see Shepard squeezing Snow’s shoulder. They talk quietly among themselves. Shepard is tall and he has the same posture as Snow. The same open smile.

I wonder if they are going to the tournament together. Will they share the same room? The same shower? Shepard is already his fencing partner. Can they get even closer than that?

I shake my head. I know it’s for the best.

He should stay with his own kind, and I should stay with mine.

I fish out my phone and type a message to August. _ “Where are you?” _

I don’t even press “Send”. After all, I don’t need an answer I just need a reminder. About who I am. About who I will never be.

I stand up and go away. Leaving is easy and when I go to the door, I wonder if it’s Snow’s stare I feel on my back. I pass through people without noticing, but stop right near the exit. Someone is standing on my way. I jerk my head up just to see August Wellbelove right there leaning on a wall near the doorframe.

“Are you waiting here to pick up a fencer?” I say. I hope my voice sounds ironical, not tensed.

“Maybe,” He says lazily. “Or maybe I am here to pick up _ you_.”

He looks at me like I am his pray and I feel my heart beating faster. I know this is bullshit. August Wellbelove never waits for anybody. I don’t have my hopes high.

“How did you find me?”

He gives me an intense stare, “Don’t take me for a fool, Pitch. Your new boyfriend is a fencer. I knew where you might be.”

“What boyfriend?” I say. I can’t stop looking at him. His blond hair shines like silver and his grin doesn’t reach his eyes.

“The one you were keeping away from me,” August says. He looks over my shoulder at the people fencing inside.

“Show me which one is yours.” He says. He puts his hand around my shoulder and tugs me closer. A hot wave goes through my body. I look at Snow involuntarily. I hope he doesn’t see us. Shepard attacks him and the epee flies from his hand to the ground. 

August follows my stare. Then whispers in my ear. “Does the fencing mask turn you on?”

I take a sharp inhale. 

“Let’s get out of here,” I mutter.

August shrugs. “What’s the fun in that?”

He looks around. A moment later he drags me through the whole gym to the corner where the changing rooms are. He pulls me through the dimly lit corridor, to an inventory room behind one of the doors. 

“Perfect,” he says. Before I know it he pushes me inside. His hands slide all over my body and I feel both excitement and panic go through me.

“I will leave the door open,” he says. “Because I know you like it.” 

He turns me around and all I can see is a dirty yellow wall right in front of my eyes. 

“Not me,” I say breathlessly. “_You _ like it.”

He takes a step closer, his body pressed against mine. He grinds me from behind. There is still fabric between us, but I can feel he is already hard.

“Does your boyfriend know that you are so willing with _ everyone_?” August whispers into my ear. He unbuckles my belt and slides his hand inside my pants. I shudder under his touch, but he holds me tight and his hand covers my mouth.

“Shhh,” August says “Listen.” The door to the corridor opens and I can hear someone taking a few steps inside.

I try to pull away, but end up with an uncareful move, sending a bunch of things to the floor. They fall down with a loud thud.

The steps are moving closer and I jerk my head up.

Of course, it’s Snow. I am not even surprised that this idiot had to follow us inside.

He stands there in his white fencing costume, epee in his hand and eyes full of worry.

“Baz,” He says breathlessly. “Are you ok?”

That is before he notices August’s hand in my pants.

“Doesn’t he look ok?” August says lazily. He continues to stroke me. “I think he enjoys himself well enough.”

Snow’s cheeks flush red. He is so shocked that he can’t make himself look away.

“Is it him?” August says in my ear, but I just clench my jaw tighter. His hand slides from my mouth to my neck, his grip is tight, but I can finally talk. 

“Snow,” I say harshly. “Go away.”

“Why?” August strokes my neck with his hand, “I don’t mind him watching.”

“Go. Away.” I say to Snow one more time. I need him to hear _ me_.

“Don’t be so rude,” August says. His grip tightens slightly and I can feel my pulse beating under his fingers. He comes closer to my ear and whispers. “Or do you want me to show him the real you?”

“Let him go.” I hear Snow’s voice from afar.

“Do you think I am holding him against his will?” August flushes an evil grin. “Do you know why he listens to me? Because he likes to obey and will do anything that I say.”

“I don’t believe you.” Snow says. His voice almost like a whisper.

August turns me around and I can see his cold stare.

“Stay still,” he says. He starts to unbutton my shirt one button at the time, then he slides his hand over my chest. My heart is pondering under his fingers.

“His skin is so smooth.” He says to Snow. “Do you wanna come and touch it yourself?”

I can’t look at Snow. There is no point in asking him to leave anymore. There is no point to anything.

“Why?” Snow says, his voice defeated. I don’t know if he is asking me, August or himself.

_ Because this is who I am. _

“Because if you won’t little Baz will get upset,” August says. “He likes you quite well after all.” And then. “Do you wanna see more? Should I go further?”

“Is he your boyfriend?” Snow asks I don’t think he controls what he says anymore.

August throws his head back and starts to laugh.

“Of course not,” he says. “Why should I be his boyfriend when I can get everything for free?”

His hand slides down to my stomach.

“Let him go,” Snow says one more time. I look at August’s fingers carefully tracing their way down. I wonder how far he will go. 

August takes my chin and turns my head so that I look right at Snow. “Isn’t he adorable? Standing here with his sword in hand, wanting to save you.”

I see Snow clenching his fists tight. August grip is still firm and I can’t look away. I feel myself becoming a shadow.

“Don’t worry, you can try him as well. Baz likes to be shared, right?” He turns to me after that. “Do you remember my band? There were four people and he fooled around with everyone at that party.”

_ That happened only once_, I want to scream. _ And you made me. _Instead, I see Snow’s face getting white.

“Is it true?” He says, his eyes wide. Is it horror? Is it disgust? It doesn’t matter if he believes everything that August says, it’s enough that I believe it myself.

I nod slowly. Finally, he can see what I really am. What I _ could _ be.

I don’t understand why he hasn’t left yet. I want him to leave.

“Baz,” Snow says. His voice sounds panicked. “Please go with me, you don’t have to be here.”

I almost laugh. There is no way he can understand. This is my choice. This is what I want to be. Of course, I can leave, I can push August away. I can protect myself, it’s just that I don’t think I am someone worse saving.

I look at him one last time, before looking down where August hand is.

“I am fine, Snow,” I say through clenched teeth. “Sod off.”

I don’t dare to look up, I close my eyes and hear Snow’s footsteps as they disappear. He leaves, and something inside of me breaks. In my head, I can still see his eyes filled with horror. 

August pulls me closer and whispers in my ear, “He left because of you. Why haven’t you told him what a piece of trash you really are?”

His hand is still under my shirt, while I stay there frozen, feeling the emptiness crawl inside me.

“Aww, are you sad now?” August says teasingly. “He will be back. Just let him fuck you a couple of times. If he knows how.”

I push August away. I breathe hard.

“What? Suddenly, you can’t go on without him watching?”

I shake my head. “I am not sad,” I say.

_ Snow leaving doesn’t matter to me _. 

_ Nothing matters. Not anymore. _

A moment later I get on my knees in front of August. My hands unzip his jeans. This is familiar. This is good. This is how things should be.

August tugs at my hair and pulls my head back.

“Not so fast.” He smirks and reaches inside his back pocket. He pulls out a small colourful square wrapper and I know really well what this wrapper means. 

My body tenses up involuntarily.

“Today we will go for a special treat.” He says and I can see the hunger in his eyes.

I force myself to relax.

I never enjoyed sex with August. Not our first time at the Haloween party (It was _ my _ first time. I was drunk enough not to remember all the details, but I still remembered the excruciating pain afterwards), nor later. I thought it would get better with time, but it didn’t. Maybe sex is just not my thing, but I am not that stupid as to let August see that.

He pushes the condom wrapper inside my mouth before pulling my pants down.

“Bend down,” he says. And then adds, “Don’t worry, I won’t be gentle.”


	4. Chapter 4

August pushes me forward and I slam right into the wall. He is breathing hard somewhere over my shoulder. When he finally starts fucking me, he is rough.

And at that moment while squeezing my teeth through the pain, I believe this is how it should be. I accept all of the dirty words August is telling me because this is who I am.

This is what I deserve.

When it’s all over, August pulls out fast. He throws a condom into the trash. I turn around and I watch him zip up his jeans and arrange his cloth. I force myself to do the same.

Some movements are painful to make, but I don’t pay any attention to the pain. Pain doesn’t matter, or at least not this kind of pain. 

“Is your boyfriend always such a loser?” August slides his hand through his silver hair. He smiles lazily. “Did he even know how to fuck you properly?”

“It’s none of your business.” I snarl at him.

“You invited someone to watch us and now it’s none of my business?” August grins and cups my cheek with his hand. “He is cute though. Let him stay next time. I will enjoy having both of you.”

I push his hand away. “Stay away from him,” I say.

August’s grin disappears and he narrows his eyes at me.

“It was fun before, but you are getting boring now. Little Baz should learn how to share.”

“There is nothing to share.” 

“Aw, don’t get too sad,” August says mockingly. “As I said before, just let him fuck you a couple of times and he will be back.” He makes a pause and sneers. “But when you do it, don’t forget who you belong to.”

He goes to the door, without looking back. Leaving me behind. Just like he always does.

I lean against the wall and force myself to breathe through all the discomfort and pain. Few minutes pass by until I convince myself to finally move.

I walk slowly through the corridor. There are people passing me by, but they feel like shadows. I take a few more steps and after the darkness, the lights of the gym strikes my eyes. I blink a few times.

Snow sits on the floor near the exit. When he sees me, he jumps right up. His face looks dark and worried. His hair is a mess.

“Are you ok?” He says. 

He avoids looking directly at me. His eyes linger, until he finally settles down somewhere under his feet. I wonder bitterly if Snow will ever look at me the same way as he did before.

“Stop asking me that.” I limp to the nearest bench and carefully seat down.

I hoped it would give him a chance to leave but he follows after and then stands opposite of me, with his arms crossed. I wish he wouldn’t see me like that. Pale, broken, destroyed.

“Baz,” He asks carefully. “Are you hurt?” He seems concerned and serious. But I still keep on thinking that at any moment he might just turn away and leave.

“This is how it's supposed to be,” I say emotionless. “It’s called _ sex_, Snow.”

He flushes but still says stubbornly. “I don’t think this is how sex should be like.”

“What do _ you _ know?” I say. It’s not really a question. It’s a statement, but he ignores me completely.

“Why did he leave you if he knew that you weren’t feeling well?” Snow asks with a frown.

Because this is how August is. And the worst part is that I used to love him for that.

“I am quite well, Snow,” I say with irritation. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Can you walk?” He asks. His eyebrows raised.

He is so annoying.

“Maybe,” I say. “Why?”

I see his cheeks going slightly pink. “How about going to lunch with me?”

Something inside of me is getting warmer, but then I remember.

“Didn’t you hear me before?” I say. “We are not _ a thing_.”

Snow shrugs. “It doesn’t mean I can’t share a sandwich with you.”

“Snow,” I say, lowering my voice. “This is completely unnecessary. And no, I don’t think I can walk to the diner right now. I would prefer to sit just a little bit longer, thank you very much.”

Snow lowers his voice too and shots me a glare, “So you are hurt after all and-”

“Who said ‘sandwich’?” Penelope Bunce appears behind Snow’s back. Her hair a new fierce shade of purple.

“Where have you been all lunch? I was waiting and waiting and waiting...” She says to Snow.

Then she finally notices me. 

“Baz!” Her whole face lights up. She bends down and gives me a hug. That is so unexpected that I freeze, not knowing what to do. Luckily the hug lasts only a few seconds, she turns to Snow right away.

“Did you guys make up? Are you finally together? That’s why you missed lunch! Next time you want to hang out with your boyfriend, just send me a message, dumbass.”

I blink at her in surprise. Snow’s face goes blank.

“Penny,” He says. “We are not together.”

Penelope stops. She looks disappointed, then worried and then suspicious.

“Then why are you here?” She asks me. 

“He was just passing by.” Snow says quickly. “We accidentally bumped into one another.”

I nod and stay silent. I am afraid that if I say to Penelope Bunce that I came all the way here to break up with her best friend she will push me right off the bench.

Snow shifts from one leg to another. “So,” He says. “Sandwiches. I will fetch some. And you,” He points at me. “Stay here and don’t move too much.”

“I will keep Baz company,” Penelope seats near me and bumps me slightly with her shoulder. “We have a few things to discuss.”

When Snow leaves we stay silent for a few moments. I honestly have no idea what Penelope Bunce wants to talk to me about. Maybe she’s planning to give me a hard time about Snow. After all, she probably knows about our failure of a first date. I clench my teeth, I really don’t want to explain over and over again why I am not the best romantic choice for her friend.

“Simon is under a lot of pressure recently.” She says after a pause. “He is working hard, but Coach is still not satisfied.”

I look at her in surprise. Everyone knows that Snow is the best when it comes to fencing.

“Coach is a psycho,” I say. “Only a fool would doubt Snow.”

Penny puts her elbow on her knee and rests her chin on her hand. She sighs. “Coach is his father after all.”

I flinch. According to the rumours, Coach divorced Snow’s Mother a long time ago. The fact that he is Snow’s father is so mundane, that sometimes (mostly because of what of an angry asshole Coach is) I tend to not forget that it’s true. 

“He never behaves as a Father should,” I say.

“Coach was ignoring Simon through all of his childhood,” Penny says quietly. “That’s why Simon got into fencing in the first place. He wanted to be close to his Father. Simon still wants to impress him till this day. 

I feel anger rise inside of my chest. I think about all the time that Snow spends practising. About how hard he works every day. And about the fucking Coach who still yells at him for the tiniest mistake.

I clench my hands into the fists.

Then I remember something else. “He missed too many classes this week,” I say.

Penny nods. “Coach makes him practice twice as much before the big tournament next month. Apparently, if Simon won’t take the first place it will be a failure of Simon’s whole career.”

“He will take the first place,” I say, there’s no doubt in my voice. “He is the best.”

“Simon is in a constant loop of trainings, he has no time to do homework and I am not even mentioning going out and having some _ fun_.”

She looks at me sharply and I feel ashamed. Snow went out with me despite his tight schedule. But because of how awful the whole thing turned out to be, it was a total waste of his time. _ I _ was a total waste of his time.

“He should go out more,” I say in the restraint voice (not with me, but with someone who is worthy of his time). “Is he really that busy?”

“Yeah, he is. I barely made him promise to go to the cinema with me tomorrow. And he only agreed after I suggested to invite Shepard as well.”

I turn my face to Penny. “Shepard as in his _ fencing partner _Shepard?” I ask carefully. (But I already feel that I start to boil inside.)

Penny nods. “Do you know him? He is so annoying! Suddenly he’s Simon’s best friend and wants to go everywhere with us.”

Maybe I don’t know Shepard well enough, but I know a thing or two after I saw how he looked at Snow during their practice. No wonder he wants to follow him around, even a fool will guess that he has a huge crush on Snow.

And Snow agreeing to go only if Shepard is joining… Does it mean that he starts to like Shepard back?

“By the way!” Penny bumps my knee with hers. “Do you want to join us too?”

“Why would I want to join the three of you?” I say startled.

“Because I can’t be the only one listening all evening long about different fencing techniques. And don’t even get me started on Shepard-”

“Is he awful?” I ask quickly.

“Oh yes, he is quite awful,'' Penny says. “First of all, he talks all the time. Then he starts to ask questions about your life. Why is your hair purple? What is your favourite subject? What food do you like the most?”

I nod along, that indeed sounds annoying. If this guy is really like that he might not be good enough to be Snow’s boyfriend. I should check out how he is myself.

“Well,” I say. “I might join you after all. I don’t have anything else to do.”

Penny flashes me a smile, “Cool.”

Soon Snow comes back with sandwiches. He passes one to me and I take a careful bite. The sandwich tastes amazing, it is cheddar with tomatoes and it’s one of my favourites. Apparently, I was hungry after all.

“Thank you,” I say to Snow. I don’t remember anyone buying me lunch in a long time. Snow nods and smiles at me. I feel this strange warming feeling in my chest coming back.

Penny clears her throat over my shoulder. She takes a sandwich with brie and blueberry jam. “By the way,” She says to Snow “I invited Baz to join us tomorrow for the movie.”

Snow almost chokes on his food. “Baz is not interested.” He says, his voice blank.

“But he already agreed.” Penny raises her eyebrow. She grins full force.

Snow gives me a surprised stare. He is probably not that excited about me joining, especially after everything that I put him through. But I am on a mission after all. I have to go and check if Shepard is good enough to even be considered as his potential future boyfriend.

I shrug and say, “What? I like to watch movies.”

“Ok boys,” Penny stands up, brushing off crumbles from her plaid skirt. “I will leave you with that, I need to go back to class. Baz, are you coming?”

I try to stand up too, but the pain still shots sharply through me. I sit down abruptly. “I think I will stay here for a little bit longer.”

“Ok, see you tomorrow then!” Penny waves before storming out, her purple hair still visible as she gets away further and further.

“Why did you agree to come along?” Snow turns to me almost immediately.

I cross my arms. I am still mostly annoyed.

“Who is this Shepard guy anyway?” I ask.

“I told you already, he is my fencing partner.”

“If he is your fencing partner, then why is he going to the movies with you?”

“Because-” Snow stumbles. “Because I have a plan and I need him to be there.”

I briefly wonder to myself if this plan of his involves by any chance getting into Shepard pants. I grit my teeth.

“You shouldn’t let people that easy into your life. They might end up hurting you.”

He looks at me, his face is dark. “I can say the same about you.”

“Snow,” I say. “It’s different with me. I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you? You can’t even stand up.”

“I can stand up.” I say, “It’s just that I prefer not to.”

I see Snow smiling slightly. Deep down I am happy that my joke can still help him relax. 

“Look,” He says. “I know you are not stupid, it’s just... just promise me to take care of yourself.”

I close my eyes and shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does, you are amazing and cool and you should have someone who appreciates it.”

He looks at me in this serious way and the warmth inside of my chest intensifies even more. This is silly, I tell myself. This is just Snow talking nonsense.

“You should have someone who appreciates you too,” My voice is a bit harsh. And then I practically force myself to say the next line. “Shepard looks like a great guy…”

Snow nods, “He is, I can’t wait for you to get to know him better.”

The warmth inside my chest disappears, I feel sour all of a sudden.

“And,” I say. “You shouldn’t miss your classes.”

He shrugs, “I am better at sports anyway.”

He says it almost automatically. Like something one hears so many times that it becomes their truth. I wonder who is the person who put these words in his head. But I don’t even have to ask, I know it already.

“Does Coach give you a hard time?” I ask carefully. I don’t expect much, after all, we are far from being friends, but I am surprised to see him shifting his eyes away and giving me a complete silence. Well, if he doesn’t want to talk about his father I can’t force him.

“I saw you sitting on this bench before,” He suddenly says.

“You mean earlier today?”

“Three years ago.” Snow says, “I thought you must have liked fencing a lot to come here to watch it so often.”

For a moment there I am lost at words. I just feel my heart pounding faster. Somehow, knowing that Snow had noticed me back then leaves me speechless. And of course, it’s for the best that he hasn’t realized it wasn’t fencing I was so interested in.

A sharp whistle cuts through the silence and then the voice echoes through the gym. “The break is over!”, I snap out of my thoughts just to see Coach standing behind us.

“Snow! Go get ready!” He yells and Snow winces.

“Sorry, Coach,” he says. He gives me an apologetic stare while I wonder if Snow ever calls Coach ‘father’. I bet he doesn’t. That makes me a bit sad and angry. It must be terrible to have a father who only cares if you are winning or losing in some stupid sport.

“That’s ok,” I say to Snow. “I should go too.”

Coach stares at me with disdain. “Who are you again?”

Snow opens his mouth, but I jump in before he has a chance to explain, “I was just passing by.”

Coach looks at me coldly, then he turns to Snow, “Are you still here? I said, _ go get ready_.”

Snow retreats and I stay face to face with his father. I already hate him well enough just for the fact that he is treating Snow like shit. It doesn’t even matter if Snow is his son or not. You can’t be such an asshole to anyone.

When Snow is far enough to not hear anything, Coach finally snarls. “Don’t you dare mess up with Simon’s sports career. He has an important tournament coming. Don’t distract him with your useless life.”

_ Wow_. Of course, I was aware that this won’t be a pleasant conversation, but I didn’t expect things to escalate so fast. 

I look at him carefully. He has the same strict postures as all fencers do and he is still relatively young, only a few grey strands in his hair. His face has few similarities with Snow (if you look close enough), but there is something extremely unpleasant and hostile in his expression.

“Don’t make it the same as three years ago.” Coach proceeds. “He lost a few tournaments because of you.”

I frown. It doesn’t add up. Snow barely noticed my existence back then. He thought I was interested in _ fencing_, for Christ sakes. How could it be that he cared enough to be distracted by something that I did? 

“What happened three years ago?” I ask with my most innocent voice but that just triggers him more.

“You know well enough what happened!” He shouts. “You were sticking around, distracting him and he started to lose. I am telling you, kid, get lost.”

He is breathing through his nose and I can see his nostrils slightly widening. Is he always so controlling around Snow? No wonder Snow never had a chance to date anyone.

“Simon is old enough to make his own mistakes,” I stand up, despite the pain, just to look straight in his eyes. “Sport is not everything.”

I see hatred flashing behind his eyes.

“I made him leave you back then and I will make him leave you now.” He hisses.

Some important realization shots throw my mind, but before I catch the meaning behind his words I get distracted by Snow appearing out of nowhere.

“What’s wrong?” He asks. He steps between us, facing Coach and covering me with his back.

“Simon, you have an important year. Don’t get distracted on things that mean nothing.” Coach points at me, his face full of disgust.

“It’s not what you think.” Snow says. And then. “This is not _ nothing_.”

I look at Coach from behind Snow’s back. His face is white and furious. And right there and then I get a perfect idea how to anger him even more.

I hug Snow’s waist from behind, pressing myself to his back. Then I put my chin on his shoulder (it’s surprisingly easy to do, he is a bit shorter than me.) I see Coach’s face go even paler.

Snow tenses under my touch, but he doesn’t push me away. I slightly rub my check over his. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say in his ear, but loud enough for Coach to hear it too.

Then I let go, still feeling the warmth of his body even as I force myself to turn away. I can still breath the smell of his skin. I smile and, surprisingly, as I walk away, I don’t feel any pain at all. Only a slight satisfaction of making Coach angry and a bigger one from holding something as precious as Simon Snow in my arms, even if it was just for a little while.

  
  


  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and please come say hi to me at [mybluebucketofsnow.tumblr.com](mybluebucketofsnow.tumblr.com)


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